Daddy Issues

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This is a phrase that people love to use to disparage women who they feel are troubled or don’t act as they should in certain situations, especially those involving heterosexual relations.  It is also used to indicate that a woman is “good” at sex, re: all the crazy ones are, right?  

So few of us are given the privilege of having a good dad, let alone *two* good parents, so I find this dismissive phrase problematic.  If someone had a terrible parent, why do we not sympathize with them? Why do people choose derision in place of empathy?

My dad was a cop, so was never around when I was a kid.  When he was around, he screamed at us mostly.  There were good times.  He was not an alcoholic.  He did not have an addiction.  But he was in an abusive job and had suffered (I learned later) physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a child.  That he managed to only scream at us is nothing short of a miracle.

Hence, as a child, I was in a relationship with a monster.  I loved him dearly, affectionately– but then he would scream and terrify me.  As a teenager, any affection I had for him died and my fear turned into anger.  I avoided him at all costs.  But by then the tendency toward love/fear, love/hate, or shall we say- extremes(?) in relationships was deeply ingrained.  Now he’s old, and I can see him with affection again. He is a terrifically flawed, annoying bastard.  But he’s my dad.

I’m not talking about this because I want sympathy or anything.  I just want people to realize that the next time they dismissively say about a woman– “oh, daddy issues”– that there might be a good reason. That the ability to hold conflicting feelings of hate, fear, and love for one person is something that is learned and profoundly confusing to a young child.  And something that a lot of adults have to grapple with.

More recently, I see having Daddy Issues as a badge of pride.  Yeah, I’m fucking great in bed.  Fuck yeah, I’m pretty crazy.

 

But who the fuck isn’t?